— “You are unnecessary.”
These words are etched into her heart.
The lass still remembers that whenever she made a mistake or failed, her father would use this sentence instead of reprimanding her. Apart from this, he would not beat or scold her, or much less say anything else to her. It always appeared like she didn’t exist, like she wasn’t alive in her father’s eyes.
This may be a form of punishment.
I must not be unnecessary — the lass firmly believed this once.
Until the thousandth time — perhaps the thousandth time, since she’s not sure about the exact number. On the thousandth time when she heard her father say that she’s unnecessary, she finally realized that she was wrong, that she was only deceiving herself all this time.
Unnecessary — I am unnecessary.
Subconsciously, this thought took root deep in the lass’s heart and stubbornly grew into a deformed flower. She tried to deny it, tried to escape, but everything was in vain.
Because the facts are before her eyes.
When the lass was born, there were complications for some reason. Although the doctor tried his best, but her mother died of dystocia in the end. Additionally, because her twin younger brother was born last, his body has been frail ever since he was little. His legs are very weak, which is why he has to pass his days in a special wheelchair.
Does father think that I harmed mother and younger brother? The lass often entertained this suspicion. But she didn’t have the courage to ask, since she was afraid that the answer she’ll get is the one she least wishes to hear.
However, in the end, she still couldn’t escape that sentence.
“– if it wasn’t for you…”
If it wasn’t not for her, her mother wouldn’t have died and her younger brother would be happy.
Yeah, she is at fault.
— if only she didn’t exist.
Although she is alive, but she isn’t needed.
There is no meaning, no value in her living, she is redundant.
“You’re unnecessary, you’re useless.”
I’m sorry — every time she apologized, a scar was etched in her heart.
“Why was it you? Why?”
I’m sorry —
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Her heart gradually died as she apologized.
However, no matter how humbly she admitted her mistake, her father never forgave her, and only treated her like air. He would only add another scar to her heart whenever she made a mistake or failed. The scars in her heart gradually increased, until there were too many to count.
I should just die, I shouldn’t be alive to begin with.
Not so long ago, this thought once occupied the lass’s heart.
She tried to commit suicide. But in the end, she didn’t succeed in taking her own life. Her grandfather stopped her.
“Do you want to give up that hard-earned life of yours? This is cowardly behavior. We don’t need cowards in our family. Have you forgotten about your mother, who has sacrificed herself to give birth to you?”
At that time, the lass heard a word.
Sacrifice.
Sacrifice yourself for another.
She understood it thusly.
Therefore, she must work hard to become someone useful, to become someone needed. Only then will she get her own “meaning”.
Since that day, she worked tirelessly to learn various bodies of knowledge — the four arts [1], arithmetic, martial arts, and even the art of war. As long as she thinks that it’ll be of help to her father, she will learn any body of knowledge, no matter the cost.
Gradually, the situation has changed.
“– why do you work so hard? How can you work hard? How can you succeed?”
Every time she learns something new, she will timidly tell it to her father. Her father will always reprimand, hit, or even abuse her.
However, instead of thinking that she is being maltreated, she feels very happy.
— because her father finally no longer ignores her.
The lass knows, she knows that there must be something wrong with her. She must be sick, must be twisted.
But the pain gives her a sense — a sense of existing in the world.
Her father’s scolding and abuse let her feel her existence.
I am not unneeded, I am not unnecessary. At least she can let her father vent.
She was very happy and wanted more. Therefore, she must work harder, work harder to become someone useful, someone needed. As long as this is the case, then her dead mother and ill younger brother may forgive her, forgive her for stealing their happiness.
“– would you like to come with me?”
She still remembers the encounter with the girl in red when her father beat her in public.
The girl asked the lass to go with her.
Why should I go with you? Why are you looking at me with pitying eyes? The lass was puzzled.
Father still needs me!
The lass didn’t agree to go with the girl.
However, when the girl squatted down and asked the lass, “Do you want to help as many people as possible?”, she answered without the slightest hesitation, “I do.”
“Then just come with me.”
The lass did not hesitate to agree to go with the girl. Her father didn’t object, didn’t urge her to stay.
Why doesn’t he want me to stay? Ah, it must be that he doesn’t need me… then I must go help more people and get their approval.
Um, it does not matter how much she has to sacrifice. As long as the other party needs her, she will rush to the other party’s side at all cost and do her best to help.
— “I need you.”
Only when she hears this sentence, can she feel the meaning of life.
No matter the sacrifice, she only lives for others, is happy for others’ happiness, grieves for others’ grief.
She didn’t realize that she has already lost herself in the middle of the dark night and is wandering alone. She just keeps walking on the road that she thinks is right, running in the opposite direction of dawn.
Until —
[1] – four arts
