That happened only for them, not me. I would remember everything. My experiences won’t disappear. Killing Mickey because of my carelessness would always remain with me. The guilt would always remain no matter how many times the days repeated, and others forgot about it.
“Aaaa…ahh! Ugh.”
While learning magic and other techniques, I had increased my experiences and my knowledge. Then why didn’t I think about such a thing? Why didn’t I think about the side effects and the pain? I was so complacent and foolish. I took death too lightly. I wasn’t playing a game or reading a novel, so why had I been so confident when giving the medicine to Mickey?
I was scared. It seemed as though the spirit of Mickey would come up to me and shout at me any moment now. They were not wrong. I killed someone today. I was a murderer.
“Hurk… blargh!”
I felt sick. I felt nauseous. I vomited on the bed. The nausea didn’t subside. The image of Mickey’s to my stomach and vomited on the bed, but the nausea did not go away. The image of Mickey dying did not disappear from my mind. It bothered me excruciatingly. I lay on the dirty bed and sobbed. I had fits of vomit until nothing could come out.
I want to get out of here.
How long do I have to wait for Kaichen to come? Exactly how much time should pass in this repeating world for him to come and break the magic? I know that he’ll come, but I don’t know when – 5, 10, 20 years from now? Time went by and I became so accustomed to this repeating world that I did this horrible thing to Mickey.
What if he suddenly breaks the magic tonight? Then Mickey can’t come back to life! Am I going to be called a murderer all my life? My body trembled. The more I thought about it, the more fearful and anxious I felt. What should I really do?
Thinking about all these, I fell asleep in exhaustion. When I opened my eyes, it was already the next day. The bed was clean as though it had never held a person who had vomited her guts out on it. My body which had been wrecked with nausea and stained with my own vomit was clean as though it had never happened. The day had come back as new. As though nothing had happened, I jumped up and hurried out of the mansion and headed for Mimi’s house.
“Huh? Miss….?” Asked Mimi, looking at me as though I was acting very strange while I panted and gasped, holding the entrance gate. I sat down and burst into tears. Mimi handed me a glass of water, probably thinking I was just having one of my ‘fits’ after drinking in the morning.
“Miss, whatever you are going through, you shouldn’t rely on alcohol. I can’t believe you’re drinking until morning in such a dangerous way because you told people to pay taxes. What are you going to do if something happens….”
Just yesterday, she had slapped me and called me a murderer, and today she is reaching out to me as though everything was fine. This was just hell for me. Alone.
* *
I couldn’t sleep properly because of the nightmares. I stared at the night sky, dawn breaking. I saw the Angel snooping in the front gate as it became lighter. As he saw me sitting on the railing, he startled, and his lips curled up in surprise.
I thought for a moment that the nightmare wasn’t over but looking at Angel’s face reassured me that it was over. It was adorable to see him startled and jump in surprise. “Welcome Angel, you didn’t have to come this early. Very diligent, I see.”
“Because newspaper delivery has become a habit…”
Angel glanced at the shabby and abandoned mansion and then turned to the overgrown garden where bushes and weeds reached one’s knees, and gulped loudly. I burst out laughing.
I rumpled Angel’s hair and stroked it lightly. “Take this first,” I said and handed him a pouch of gold coins.
“What?”
“At first, I just wanted you to clean up the mansion, but I have to leave in a hurry. I don’t know when I’ll be back, so I want you to take responsibility for managing the mansion for a while.”
“Wha-What does that mean? Miss!”
He looked at me carefully, thinking that I was under the influence of alcohol. But there was no bottle of wine in my hands, only a pouch of gold coins. Looking at his pale face, I placed the pouch in his little hands.
“It’s because I think I have to leave urgently. It’s just a momentary departure so that I can devote myself to Acrab. I am running away temporarily. Well, that’s how it is.”
“Miss, what’s wrong with you? You have a deadly disease, right? Uncle Lars at the bar said the same thing yesterday. Miss tried to pay back her credit. He was worried. He said that people change when they are about to die. Are you really going to die?”
There was nothing Lars hid from the little boy. But the thought of Lars talking about me when I just wanted to do a good deed made my mouth twitch. I took his face in my hand and shook my head. “I don’t have a disease. I am leaving to find someone who can help Acrab. So, don’t worry too much.”
“Miss, your hands are shaking…”
“This is proof that I stopped drinking.”
“What?”
“Why are you surprised? I’m not lying.” Taking a deep breath, I crouched down to Angel’s height and pulled his soft cheeks.
