Maybe I should approach him as a woman now and not just a disciple. But… that’s…he has already seen a lot of my terrible sides! I wanted to disappear. Drunken Dalia, Dalia the gambler…. I couldn’t do anything about that. Kaichen’s first impression of me was terrible. I showed him all my ugly sides that I don’t even know if I could approach him romantically as a woman. It might not even work. Why Dalia? Why did you have to live like that?
“I will win and hog the teacher to myself,” I continued. “There is still a lot to learn and a lot to do together. What should I do if someone else takes away all your time? She would just be a third wheel.”
“You are greedy. I’m sure you already have had enough of me though?”
“It’s not enough!” I said. I was still squatting on the floor and looking at my food. I raised my head to look at him. The sunlight cast a shadow on his face making it difficult to know his current expression. “I know I am greedy but it’s still not enough,” I repeated shamelessly.
I wanted to be by his side all day. Even if Julius called him, I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want Kaichen to catch anyone’s eyes. I wanted to lock him away, just for me. I had a petty mind and a greedy conscience. My desire to have him all to myself was so strong that I couldn’t even bring myself to confess. There was nothing I was good at, and I couldn’t even act coy like an aristocratic lady. I had already shown him my most brazen side. All I had left was to wish for this teacher-disciple relationship to last. Because other than that, I had nothing. I am a fool. I stood up and sighed wearily.
“Well… whatever it is, you decide, teacher.”
In the end, it was a one-sided thing. No matter how much I wanted to cling to him, I couldn’t. If he refused, I couldn’t force him. There was nothing I could do. A teacher can abandon a disciple at any time, but a disciple cannot abandon a teacher. The relationship that connects Kaichen and me is that of a teacher and a disciple, and if that breaks, there is no reason for him to be with me anymore. Even Julius showed an interest because Kaichen cared for me as his disciple. If that was broken, it was goodbye to Julius too.
It was ironic that I became his disciple to finish the novel properly. So far, it was going according to plan but why do I feel so miserable? I wasn’t satisfied with becoming just his disciple. I wanted to be with him… as his lover. My feelings were the problem.
“I told you that I’m not going to take any other disciple than you.”
“Um… even if you don’t, there are other ways you can be together with a person.” I wanted to tell him that he could have a lover. Any lover he wanted, in fact. I fidgeted with my fingers and glanced at him. But I didn’t look at him for long. I was embarrassed for being like this. But I am his disciple, can’t I be a little childish if I want to? I rationalized and tried to convince myself.
Kaichen raised his hand and wiped my lips. “If you keep talking while you eat, you will get everything around your lips like this.” For a moment, I was startled by his feathery touch. “Under no circumstance, Dalia,” he said, “Do I intend to keep anyone by my side except you.”
I stared at him. My mind was blank. His voice sounded hoarse. Kaichen smiled at me and licked his finger with which he had wiped the breadcrumbs from my lips. I was stunned. The way he licked his finger was too suggestive. My heart fluttered and I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt heat rushing to my face.
I stood up and lowered my head hoping he wouldn’t see how flushed I was. I was flabbergasted. It was embarrassing enough that he had to wipe breadcrumbs off my lips. I couldn’t even eat elegantly. But did he have to lick his finger? He has mysophobia! I stood there with my head spinning. Kaichen put a hand on my head gently.
“Don’t be silly,” he said. “Tell me where you want to go next.”
You don’t like going out. You hate being the center of attention. You hate crowds. You don’t eat food from the streets because it’s unhygienic. Why would you do what you did just now? So many questions swirled in my mind. Was it because I was his favorite disciple? No. Did he just think of me as a kid…?
