Although alarmed, I would never make the wrong choice because I was more familiar with the gut feeling than I’d have liked.
When I was nine – before Xia’er was born – I returned to Mount Daluo from Emei with Shifu and Matriarch Zi. Those were the days that Shifu was hooking up with all the girls of Wutong Jin Yuxuan (I still reckon it was just him refusing to give up on them). Shifu kept searching for an opportunity to tell my shiniangs about him and Matriarch Zi, and he kept stalling until his birthday, when we had a family dinner.
On the rare occasion, First Shiniang prepared a soup on top of other dishes for Shifu. Second Shiniang took out her broadsword that had been sheathed for years to dance a song for him. Third Shiniang plucked the strings on a guzheng to treat Shifu’s ears to his favourite song. I was coughing and sneezing every time they were in close proximity because of their perfumes.
I was just eating my meal – and feeding Young Shiyi – when Shifu clapped jubilantly and said, “What more can I ask for when I have three virtuous wives.” I swear I heard him mutter something stupid along the lines of, “except a Miss Wutong.”
My three shiniangs’ lips’ bloomed together as they tenderly questioned, “Who do you love most.”
The cat caught my shifu’s tongue for a few seconds. When he finally found his answer, it was, “Miss Wutong?”
I would never forget the scene the scene of a blade flashing, soup flying and a guzheng coming out swinging straight at my shifu’s ugly face. Two words were all it took for the touching scene to turn into a warzone. That day, Shifu nobly used his blood to teach me that a man who answers incorrectly will die an awful death.
Wife? Who’s my wife?
Truthfully, I was pretty giddy inside.
The two of them must’ve posed as my wives to enter the palace. Ah Neath was aware I was a disciple of Mount Daluo. Nevertheless, there was no point in divulging more to her until she came to power, especially in regards to Emperor Yuansheng’s identity. Only once she was in power and Emperor Yuansheng gave his permission could we disclose to Ah Neath who he was, as well as what our plans were. Consequently, I couldn’t tell Ah Neath who the two were. If I responded incorrectly, Ah Neath would suspect their identities.
In addition, both of my “wives” were prideful, and I couldn’t afford to be in either one’s bad books, meaning that I had to consider how the other would react to my response. One of them was my superior, my future bank, my life support in the future… and I was the leader of Rabbit Cult, god damn it! The other one was Young Shiyi.
Is there even a right answer?!
“Your Majesty, as Young Ming is back, how about we ask him what information he has learnt.”
Thank god for Uncle Feng Xue coming to my rescue! I’d give him a hug if I could.
Ah Neath nodded: “Good point. Jiang Zhouzi, take a seat, and give me a report.”
Can’t you tell I don’t know where I’m supposed to sit?!
Not all hope was lost, though.
Using Voice Transmission, I questioned, “Uncle, which one is my wife?!”
“Whichever one is pretty.”
My two “wives” suddenly erected their torsos. Young Shiyi brushed her hair gently and gazed up to the ceiling. Shen Yiren had a nip of tea with her gaze trained forward.
You two aren’t fooling anyone! Why would you avoid my gaze if you didn’t hear me, Young Shiyi?! How do you explain your red ears, Boss Shen?!
The old bugger replied using Voice Transmission, but he also made his voice audible to Young Shiyi and Shen Yiren.
“Who do you say is pretty?” Uncle Feng Xue asked.
“Both!”
“In that case, who is prettier?”
You want to go?! Why you doing me like this?! You’re the ugliest!
I chose to go to Young Shiyi in the end because, in the worst case scenario, Boss would only feel she lost a beauty contest. She would soon get over it. Besides, there was no need to feel bad if you lost to Young Shiyi, was there? If I chose Boss, on the other hand, Young Shiyi would give me hell. Of course, there was also the fact that I couldn’t let my shifu’s sacrifice back then go to waste.
I gently massaged Young Shiyi’s shoulders, and she asked, “You never know where to toe the line, do you?” Young Shiyi’s soft chuckle was clearly a boast. She tapped my nose whilst wrinkling her nose.
“Nope.”
“Oi, Jiang Zhouzi, where do you think you’re putting your hands?!” Ah Neath thundered out of nowhere. Meanwhile, her eyes were saying, “You dare to behave so inappropriately in my presence? If I’m not around, I can’t imagine how illegal you would go.”
After pulling my hands back, I saw Young Shiyi’s cheeks inflating and deflating as she tried to contain her laughter.
Oh crud… I was wrong?
Boss got to her feet and gestured with her hand: “Hurry up. What are you going to my sister for?”
Oh, finally decided to stop screwing with me now? You know how close to death I was just now?!
In a quiet voice, and using ventriloquism, I inquired, “Who is my wife?!”
Shen Yiren’s face became the colour of a bad sunburn as she murmured, “Dear…”
Huh? I can’t hear you!
Shen Yiren inhaled and raised her head, showing her beet-red face: “Dear!”
Seeing as I had no idea how to react, Shen Yiren stuttered, “C-come sit here.”
My feet took me over to Boss Shen’s side without me realising it, and I sat down next to her as if I was programmed to do so.
Boss Shen is my wife?!
“Uncle’s arrangements,” Boss whispered to me once she sat down.
“I, I see…”
We could almost hear each other’s heart beats. We could feel the heat wave between us. Boss calling me “Dear” with rosy cheeks… kind of set my heart aflutter for some reason.
“I, uh…”
Boss glanced my way and tugged up the corners of her lips. Next thing I knew, she stomped on my foot ruthlessly!
What are you raging about when I haven’t said anything?! Are you a freaking tsundere who just ran into her crush?!
Glossary
Dancing with a broadsword – You read that right. It can be with any weapon, really. You may have seen them performed using folding fans. These aren’t performances that don’t necessarily carry any practical value besides entertainment, though it’s common for them to borrow martial arts influences. The most common modern example (in the realm of Chinese martial arts), is the optional routines in wushu competitions now. You don’t need martial arts knowledge to perform them, and it’s debatable if martial arts knowledge would make them “better”.
