As if my brain had lost all of its higher functions, I suddenly did not know anything better to do. Like a pitiful coward, right after bowing down to C, the urge to run with everything I could quickly consumed my whole body. Thus, I bolted, ignoring all of his effort completely.
"Wait! Kurokawa!" C screamed out my name, to no avail, of course.
Because I was already too far gone.
Behind me, he was still trying to reach out with his hand in mid-air. His feet were glued to the floor, and C showed a desperate look on his blank face. Even without other facial features, his painful expression was still adamant. The only thing he could think of was how to try his best to work something out. A noble thing, indeed.
Regrettably, there was nothing to be done, nor did I want him to continue his persuasion. Perhaps, it was better to let go of someone whose ears did not want to comprehend as fas as possible.
Someone like me: stubborn and stupid.
[Please, Kurokawa...I did not mean to do that... I only wanted to help...]
When I lost control, C was hurt for just trying to be there. Who would not be, honestly? Nevertheless, I thanked the heavens above for not letting him follow me. Only God would know what kind of rubbish would come out of my disgusting mouth if he decided to run after me. If I did it once, there was no doubt I would do it a second or third time.
My dearest apologies to C. This was for the best for him. This...was to protect the two of us.
"I'm sorry." I heard him saying that with a weak voice, unlike his usual demeanor. "Forgive me..." He said those words while looking straight at my disappearing figure.
However, the momentum was set. I could not stay around C for another second. My wish at that point was simple. As long as I was out of C's thought projection range, it was already too much of a blessing for someone like me. If I did not, then madness was no longer further away.
There was no other choice. Confronting C was never an option in my mind. I knew well what monster lurked inside my body and the damage it would cause once released. That was already demonstrated by the other Kurokawas in the past. He did not do anything to deserve such a treatment. Maybe there existed a person who deserved my negativity, just not him.
Frankly, I did it once just now. It was... a shameful display that I would never want to repeat. And it did not get me anywhere. In fact, it did the exact opposite. Once again, by opening up that filthy vault, I failed miserably.
"How pathetic can one become, I wonder?"
The school corridor became even longer than ever as my lead-filled feet were forced to move forward. Without turning my head, I wiped my tears and looked over my shoulder before leaving. He was still there, frozen in his place, frozen in time because of my mistake. His lips were fumbling over a few unintelligible words.
"Kurokawa..." His voice was so quiet that I almost missed it.
Through my tear-filled vision, tiles and walls of the corridor somehow stretched further beyond into infinity. With each step I took, reality seemed to break apart, heading toward a hellish place void of colors. It did not matter much, though. Even if death was waiting at the end of the line, I still had to keep going.
This...soul-crushing feeling of abandonment...I deserved it. Words were failing me as my vocabulary was dry and becoming useless. Running all by myself, this isolation did not make me feel chills to my bones or make my blood boil out of rage. No. It was much more basic, down to Earth. If sadness was blue, rage was red, and happiness was yellow, then a pitch-black color remained at the bottom of my heart. That black color pulled out all strength I had within like a bottomless blackhole, suffocating me in the process. I was unable to define what kind of emotion it was. What would one call a mixture of disappointment, loneliness, and depression?
Then again, it was my fault, after all. Things would have been much simpler if I had more courage.
It was my fault for being born. It was my fault for hurting Mother, C, and myself.
If only I did not exist...How amazing would that be? A life without purpose, without care, without pain and sadness. Nothing would be able to hurt me, and I would not be able to hurt anyone, either. It would be the ideal, perfect world.
It would be...a world...without him in it...
...
"A horrible, horrible world. A world without you would be meaningless." The mere thought of such a desolated place brought me to tears.
Here I was, lashing at the only person who cared about me. Mother and I had fought before. Tons of times. Yet I never lost control of my composure like that. The things that were supposed to only live inside my head burst open like a broken dam. And once I lost control of it, everything just poured out uncontrollably. In that heated moment, I let the monster of jealousy and envy out, and it destroyed whatever plan C was trying to talk about. He, albeit terrified of being killed by his girlfriends, still walked out there so I could have a better chance at life.
Then, my hands came up close to my face. And...
*Slap!!*
A sharp pain on my left cheek.
"I bit the hand that reached out because I was insecure."
*Slap!!*
A sharp pain on my right cheek.
"I pushed him away because I wanted him to think of me."
*Slap!!* *Slap!!* *Slap!!*
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid..."
Soon, I was hitting myself without holding back. If anyone was to look at me, my actions right now would probably be listed as those of a maniac. Besides the main cast, this eroge world only had the shadow people. Those people did not think. They only followed the damn script as intended. Therefore, I had no reason to care.
Kurokawa, oh Kurokawa! You selfish imbecile...
You did it. Congratulations! You successfully threw your only chance at winning out of the window due to some pesky high school girl's thoughts.
"What more...could I have done?" Tattered and broken, I whispered to the air while running like a mindless zombie.
All before my eyes was nothing except for an abyss where no light could ever escape. All I heard was my footsteps and the echoes of my sobbing.
More than anyone, since a long time ago, I already understood that something was wrong, that I was sick and needed help. No one needed to remind me of that fact, not even C. Yet sadly, knowing was one thing; solving it was another.
My effort could be summed up with one word only. Futile. The truth was: even I did not know how to deal with my bursting negative emotions.
It was like what C thought. I was...a difficult person to deal with. In fact, not just once had I focused on trying to work the burden of mine out. And despite everything being a mere code in my existence, my suffering was 'real' to the fullest extent of that word. Any time I decided to find a way out of it, the result would come out the same: for me to break through this mental barrier, the one who needed to fight the most would be...none other than Kurokawa, myself. External help would not be sufficient.
But...I was terrified not because of Mother, the plot, or anything from the outside world. The origin of my fear came from within.
I was...terrified of myself, of looking into the mirror and acknowledging my disfigurement, of the truth. In my mind, only the thought of escaping prevailed, never fighting back.
"Look at you, Kurokawa. Look at yourself once more. Do you think you truly deserve him? Rachel and Laura were already too perfect for C."
Everyone had their demons. I, too, had mine. I did not know what kind of avatar their demons would take, but mine looked almost exactly like me. The only difference was that Kurokawa did not have my scars and wounds.
In other words, she was the one I wanted to be. A fragment of my imagination and also a part of my true self.
"Why would he ever need you in his life? Everything is already taken care of by the two of them already. There is really no place for you, isn't it?"
Although there was a grave wound on my arm, my heart screamed desperately because of something else. Inside my chest, loud thumping sounds were coming up to my ears. With great effort, it told me to turn my heels and tell C everything, to confess and ask for his help.
He could do it, it said. He could set you free, it said.
Or...to stand by his side for once...for a chance to feel equal, it said.
But no. I did not do what my heart had told. My mind had other plans. Furthermore, if I returned to C just to be free from the shackles of the game, would it be exploiting his generosity?
"Hilarious..." I forced a wry laugh through a trembling throat.
Funny how everything came to such a point because of me. Even funnier when one considered how I made a mess out of Laura's plan to save Rachel last night. C said I was the scheming type, one who planned everything ahead. Judging by what happened yesterday, I should be able to somewhat control my feelings. However, looking at the current tragic state, reality was disapointing, to say the least. There was no outside factor and no rival. The event C spoke of had not even started yet.
"Why are you such a miserable being, Kurokawa? Why are you always like this?"
Unfortunately, when it came to my own problem, I could not even use one brain cell to solve it. It was no different from whatever Mother and I were having every night. All I wanted to do was run away, escape, hide, and pretend nothing ever happened.
I was the embodiment of paradox. It was none other than this Kurokawa who needed help and, at the same time, too arrogant to ask for it, going as far as shoving away the only one who wanted to be with her.
Did it really matter that he came to find me for any utterior motives? Did it really matter that he asked for permission to come to me?
It did not. It did not matter at all! He only wanted to help!
And yet...yet...because I desired to be treated as Rachel and Laura, two utterly perfect beings, because of my baseless arrogance, I hurt C.
Outside the windows, rays of sunlight were still going through the glass. My eyes were filled with the magnificent image of the blazing sun, shining brightly on that beautiful blue canvas, offering its kind and eternal warmth to all that resided on Earth. Unfortunately, I was in no state of mind to appreciate the loving embrace of our sun, which was probably a line of code written by a sweatshop developer somewhere.
After so many things, I had no more doubts.
This world was fake. That sun, too.
The sky was. The school was. And I was.
Everything.
Fake. Made up. A cheap knock-off. A fraud.
An imitation of the outside world.
My ending was written. It was predetermined. It was supposed to be like that. It was the definition of this world.
If all were fake, my emotions would soon be redundant and useless. Why did I even bother fixing it? Perhaps, this had happened before. Many times, even. This was another story where a female lead suffered an undeserved fate until the protagonist came to save her. The classic fairy tale plot. It mattered not how the female lead struggled since the evil forces would always win until that fateful day when everything suddenly went haywire by the hands of the main character. I read tons of these already. Or should I say, I was forced to do it.
However, unlike the usual happy endings, mine ended with despair and regret.
No. It was not just my own regrets. C, too, must have felt immense pain.
Maybe I should give up and die like how it was intended in the first place.
I had the means to do it. Inside my pocket was the key to the rooftop.
