Jun Karentia, tia, tia…
Meyer’s cries rang out and echoed through Nokentoria Castle. It was so loud that it could be heard from his office, which was quite a distance from my room.
Oh… I didn’t know what happened after I left the office, but I think something’s ruined.
Feeling instinctively threatened, I jumped out of bed.
I can’t do it today. After hiding a little from Meyer… I’ll sneak back after the sun rises tomorrow.
So I hurriedly took my coat and tried to get out of the room like a person running at night.
But my attempt failed.
“Jun!”
This is because Meyer swooped in before I left the room.
It hadn’t been long since there had been a loud scream, but he was really fast.
Meyer tried to hold me up but stopped his hand in midair like someone who had just had an epiphany.
Earlier I had tried to get to him, but now the situation was just the opposite.
Instead of holding me, he clenched his fist, and his gaze reached my hand.
“What’s… with your coat? Did you try to run away?”
“No way. I just thought I’d take a walk…”
I smiled awkwardly and slipped my coat down on the sofa next to me.
“What about the bag in your left hand?”
I put down my bag, too.
In an apparent attempt to escape, Meyer narrowed his eyebrows.
“You are really…! You thought about running away immediately?”
“I was going to take a walk.”
I was caught, but I shamelessly denied it. At this point, the winner was the one who insisted until the end.
Meyer clicked his tongue and walked up and sat on the sofa. Come to think of it, it was the first time Meyer came to my room.
‘I always went to Meyer’s office…’
Perhaps that’s why I felt heterogeneous even though I was sitting in a familiar space.
Meyer lifted his eyes. It meant for me to come to his seat and sit down. I sat in front of him, and I felt stabbed.
Meyer stared at me with a stern expression. I felt like I was being scolded by a teacher, and my head dropped for no reason.
“I heard it all from August. He said you got hurt because of me!”
I trusted you, August…!
I pursed my lips. I had hoped that his mouth would be as heavy as his heavy muscles, but my hopes were shattered.
If you’re a priest, shouldn’t you keep a secret?
However, it was not an atmosphere to say that out loud…
“Your arms were all bruised as if you were beaten. You know how dangerous I am when I am out of my mind…!”
Meyer vented his anger.
It was fortunate that August didn’t know that I and Meyer kissed.
Of course, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take this situation as a real relief…
I thought about how to calm Meyer’s anger. There was no answer.
“When I said I can’t control my power, the reaction was bad. It’s because of what happened then, right?”
“That’s…”
“It was all a lie that you said it was okay! From now on, I can’t believe anything you say. Especially about your health!”
I felt betrayed by Meyer’s eyes.
“If I hadn’t noticed, you’d have kept your mouth shut for the rest of your life. Do you know how much I feel ashamed that I found out later?”
As someone who was always mindful and watchful of my well-being, I thought there would be a great outburst, but I didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
I thought I’d just hear some nagging, but…
I didn’t know what to say to comfort him, so my mouth was dry.
Meyer’s gaze was strangely haunting on my face. He studied my face one by one as if trying to find out the truth that I was trying to hide until the end.
At the moment I was holding my breath, Meyer’s face suddenly collapsed.
“I can’t believe I… Did I force you to kiss me?”
Hold on, how did he know?
I was flustered, but I couldn’t just admit it. I immediately denied it.
“N-no!”
But even when I said it, it sounded really suspicious. Of course, Meyer didn’t believe it either.
“Seriously!”
Meyer exclaimed astonishingly.
His fist trembled and blue veins sprang up on the back of his hand. How tightly he clenched his fist, his finger bones stood out exceptionally.
“Fuck!”
Meyer bit his lip tightly. I could see all the swear words coming and going only in his mouth.
I think he’s misunderstanding something…
I couldn’t tell if it was anger at me for lying to him or self-loathing…
August didn’t know exactly what was going on, and neither did Meyer.
Looking at it, it was me, not Meyer, who kissed first.
I carefully explained the situation at that time to somehow soften Meyer.
“The Commander didn’t even think of it… You were insane at the time. You were in a lot of pain… The kiss was just a means I chose to get the Commander to drink the holy water. So I was going to pretend it never happened.”
“If I’ve already done it, how can you pretend it didn’t happen? You should’ve said it!”
“But if I say so, you would have said you wouldn’t pierce the mana circuit. It was the right time to break through the mana.”
For me, it was an excuse to calm Meyer’s anger, but it seemed to have added oil to the fire.
“Right time, right time, right time! I’m sick and tired of it!”
Meyer screamed. As if his last patience, which he had been trying to hold on to, had been cut off, he shouted and held onto my arm.
“As long as you’re so efficient, nothing else matters to you? Even your body?”
Meyer looked at me with a miserable face and murmured blankly.
“You…”
His golden eyes shone dry like sand under the desert. But why? He looked like he was crying.
“Even if it was someone other than me, you probably would have said it was okay. And endured everything alone… isn’t that right?”
The voice that had been raised earlier subsided like a lie. A miserable smile spread around his mouth.
“It’s a necessary procedure to defeat the Demon Lord. All you have to do is endure. Isn’t that right?”
“…”
Meyer’s words hit the nail.
Seeing me say nothing, Meyer lowered his head as if he were in despair.
“I… I don’t understand. Why do you spare yourself so much?”
His hand, holding my arm, trembled a little. Meyer whispered to himself in a low voice.
“The fact that I have no volition on you is too… It hurts too much.”
I looked at the top of Meyer’s head that fell in front of me and murmured to my heart.
“Commander…”
Unknowingly, I reached out to Meyer’s hair. But before my fingertips could touch his hair, Meyer’s head snapped back.
He averted his gaze at an angle. For the first time, the eyes that had faced me head-on all this time ignored me.
His eyes seemed to redden for a moment as he passed me. Meyer said as he rose from his seat.
“I’m going to get going now. For the time being… I need to think.”
“Commander!”
I tried to grab him, but he pushed my hand away. It was a polite refusal. So I couldn’t bear to stop him.
His exit from the room looked staggering and precarious. Even if he was abandoned alone in the world, he would look less miserable than that.
Meyer left, and I remained alone in the room. I thought long and hard about that moment again.
It had been a few years since I woke up in this world, but I still had the memory that this world was a game.
I know that sometimes I react in a way that gives me an advantage in this world, but I also know that to people who are in the real world now, such points seem too calm or inhuman…
If it happened again, I would make the same choices.
So, I have no regrets.
But…
I had to admit that my choice was a deep wound for Meyer.
I’m sorry.
I covered up the guilt that lingered only in my mouth with a deep sigh that I couldn’t swallow or spit.
